This month went by fast. Can you believe that we are already at the end of November? There will be no Wellness Roundup post for the month of November because I skipped the first week and my focus this month was mini series post which required that I post about three stages of relationships that we’ve all dealt with. If you missed it, the first of the series was relationship with self; you can read the post HERE and last week I blogged about relationship with friends; you can read about it HERE. As promised in the first of this series, I wanted to close the month out with Romantic Relationships. I chose this order because I think it’s important for us to establish a solid relationship with ourselves before we invite others in our lives. I’m aware that this isn’t ideal because working on ourselves takes time, sometimes YEARS. In addition to that, we constantly change. The thing we have control over is; we can work on building a better relationship with ourselves while engaging in friendships and romantic relationships.
Being intimately involved with someone can be intense, rewarding, overwhelming, unnerving, challenging, beautiful….the adjectives can go on. The impact of romantic relationships can bring us right back to the starting line because if things do or (do not) work out between you and that person, it can sometimes cause us to question so much about ourselves (in a good or bad way). Being involved with someone on an intimate level causes us to be vulnerable with ourselves and with the person we are involved with. If you’re not willing to be vulnerable with the person you’re with; consider examining the quality of the relationship, your happiness, and your partner’s happiness. There are so many topics that can be covered when discussing romantic relationship which is far beyond the scope of this blog post. I think I want this blog to focus on how the relationship you have with yourself impacts your relationship with your partner.
THE ABSENCE OF SELF-LOVE a lack of self-love can be difficult to identify at times. If you’ve never loved yourself, then chances are you won’t know that you’re missing it. What you’re feeling, the way you’re treated, and your outlook on life may all be normal to you. Some people who lack self-love assume that they just have bad luck or they say their life sucks. If you have friends who fall in this category then you know first hand that the friendship can be draining. Self-love takes WORK!! A LOT of work. And often times people fill that void by getting in a relationship because they find their happiness in someone else. This is very unhealthy because it’s not how happiness and self-love works. We can be happy with someone else but another person cannot be our happiness, they cannot fill that void. In order to have a healthy functioning relationship, you both have to harbor self-love
THE WALL OF PROTECTION don’t get me wrong, I am not against the wall because not everyone deserves to be apart of our bubble but if you have a good person in your life and you refuse to let me them in because “it seems too good to be true” or “you don’t want to get hurt again” then you can potentially miss out on something amazing. We build walls for a variety of reasons, some example are to keep from being hurt, because we don’t trust, and because it makes us feel safe. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but instead of building an entire wall, start to set some boundaries. If you keep yourself encased inside a structure for protection your essentially causing harm to yourself on some level. You can’t grow, you can’t fully love, and if you’re a parent you’ll pass along generational trauma. It’s not possible to keep from getting hurt, it happens. What matters is your resilience and you build that from life experiences. Start tearing down those bricks.
THE LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY this means refusing to take responsibility for your actions because you don’t like being blamed for things that’s clearly your fault. Some people refuse to ever take responsibilities for their actions and if you can’t take responsibilities for your actions then that behavior will trickle over into your relationship. I personally don’t have an issue taking responsibility for my actions because I’m not always right but as a virgo, I like to mostly be right. I’m in a place in my life right now where I have no problems saying “you’re right and I’m wrong” and I say this often. What I hated the most about this in the past was the way people gloated, the gloating was like nails on a chalk board. What I’ve realized is the gloating wasn’t about me, some people needed to gloat for their own validation and if you’re secure with yourself and your truth let them have it. I had to learn that and it wasn’t easy for me to get comfortable with that feeling of uneasiness. Taking responsibility takes practice but it’s necessary.
THE FEAR OF LONELINESS this is a big one. Some people hate being by themselves, they say it’s depressing and sad but if time with yourself (by yourself) is depressing and sad then you need to re-evaluate your life yesterday. I met someone years ago who said they can never not see themselves in a relationship and I was sad for them because no one should ever feel they need to always be in a relationship (marriage is the exception to this rule in my opinion). But even if you are married, it’s important for you and your spouse to spend some time away from each other. I believe time alone with ourselves is very healthy and never a bad thing (unless you have some sort of anxiety or phobia when it comes to being around people). Sometimes when we are alone we learn things about ourselves that we weren’t able to focus on because we’re so busy entertaining a relationship.
Hurt people hurt people. That is a very common saying and if you fall into any of those categories and you’re using your relationship as a band aid to fill the void then you should take some time to analyze things. I’m not suggesting ending your relationship (unless it’s affecting your wellbeing), you can work on yourself while you’re romantically involved. What matters the most is that you build the awareness. Once you have that awareness then you can start the process of putting in the work.
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